please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
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It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
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Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
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