YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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