I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
