I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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