oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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