i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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