the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
