Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
