my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
