tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
