My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
