I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
