I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
We need a shit load of segways right now
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
