you have to choose: penises or morals?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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