Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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