I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
