Three words: puerto rican gang bang
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
