you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
