i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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