Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
