I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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