Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
