fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
