I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My friends, they love my intelligence
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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