plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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