he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
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And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
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July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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