White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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