she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
