Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
