how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
