remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
