then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.