Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
