I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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