Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
