I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
