we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
