I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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