Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
