Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
