where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We have started to decorate penises.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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