In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i will never coherently bang her
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
