sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
