didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
