Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
