FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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