Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
