I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
