There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Randomize