Ambien. No doubt about it.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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