I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
