There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
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Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
FUCK WHALES
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize