I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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