My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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