PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
