I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Drunk is not a location!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
