i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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