i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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