His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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