There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
